Disgusted!

have u ever come across an idiot who knows what she wants but does not strive to get it? if u haven't, i'llmake u meet such a fool! she has been waiting impatiently for a thing to happen and now when she is so near it, she waves her hand at it? what is in her mind? what is it that she wants? so many questions surrounding just this one person....from my side as well as from all other people!
i see people coming up to her and asking various questions. but i never ask...becoz i feel there is no reason to ask. but then...there is this irritation cum anger searing in me when i see her doing just the opposite of what she should be doing!
people ask her loads of questions...to which she smiles and replies politely...though there might be no reason to smile! why does she have to behave in such a way? she tells them she is fine...her smile and confident replies do assure them of it...but somewhere they still have a doubt. they ask her again and again if she is really as happy as her body language shows. do they want to compel her to be unhappy? why does she just not shove them away? why does she even want to explain? becoz what is inside her is there within...and nobody will know of it until she wants to reveal,i.e, if there is anything at all to reveal! they keep on asking...but she continues with the same tone..i know she wont give up out of compulsion!
at times i have so much to tell her...so much about what i read from her face. but i keep shut...i dont want to explore her deepest thoughts as that might take away all her happiness. i know she is happy...please let her be so.
i know that as the number of lines increase...the relation with the heading decreases....
i might be totally against her ways or against others who approach her to get her out of her happy state...but whatever it is...i cannot hold that one feeling for eternity.

i'm sorry..

he came to me to ask for something...i tried to tell him to come later...but my vocal chords just didn't function. i know i was rude...very rude indeed..because i ignored him...though i didn't want to.i was busy hiding something..which i didn't want him to notice.when he still stayed back...my vocal chords did act..but this...they were very harsh.he left without another word.
how could i explain to him..that that was not intended. if he would have stayed back for some more time...it would have definitely come to his notice. i had no choice...but again i know i was wrong...wrong inspite of all the reasons i had.
i'm sorry...i really am. i know i wont be able to say so to him...but if he could just read this...
the intention was completely different...but it ended up in something totally different.
this happens time and again.

and everytime i falter...falter to portray what i really want to.i wish there was someone..who could interpret it all...but then u tend to misunderstand once u begin to understand!

at times i feel sorry...feel sorry for her...who knows that she would have done so much to maintain her self-pride.but now...now she is just a mere spectacle to how she is treated. i wish i could provide her some strength...some strength to throw out of her life all those people who caused her pain...i would have ended it all in one go.but she is week...she is week enuf to look after her own body.how is she to look after her mental state??i wish i could help....but i'm sorry for my incapability.

i'm sorry...

Just once....

i want to climb the highest tower...look up towards the sky...throw my hands up...and sing....sing my heart out. coz words i have none....but my song has all that i want to say to you.
i'll sing...sing aloud...because i want it to reach you....just to say thank you....thank you for making me what i am!
thank you for believeing in me and making me believe in myself....i can pave my way forward even into the darkness...because i can fight it...fight it all by myself.
i'm not afraid anymore......not anymore!
thank you...

Konayuki (powdered snow)

The season in which the powdered snow dances always passes by
Even if I’m lost in a crowd I can see the same sky
Even though I'm chilled as if I'm being blown by the wind

I don't know anything about you, do I?
And yet, I found you amongst a billion people
There's no (scientific) basis for this, but I believe this with all seriousness

We can't live at the same time without trivial fights
If I can't be honest, then rapture and sorrow are meaningless

Powdered snow, if you paled me white to the heart
Can you share our loneliness?

I pressed my ear against your heart
Going gently, deeply towards where the sound (is coming from)
(That's where) I want to disembark,
There, we'll meet once again

I want us to reach rapport but I was the (only) one who touched its surface
The only thing that was holding us together was my hand squeezing yours that was numb with cold
Powdered snow, in front (of us), eternity, too fragilely, becomes a stain upon rough asphalt

Powdered snow, this heart that has transcended time is faltering
And yet, I want to continue to protect you

Powdered snow, if you paled me white to the heart
You would wrap around our loneliness and send it back into the sky

fossils!

today was the 5th and last day of the utsav organised here. the earlier 4 days were hassle-free and enjoyable. today fossils were schduled for a live performance at 8:30pm. a debate was to take place at 6:30pm, the speakers of which were very renowned people from the sphere of politics,music,sports and literature. the debate was delayed due to the absence of a well known politician here.finally when he conveyed that he will remain absent due to some sort of political emergency meeting, the debate started. as it didn't start on time, the next show,i.e., fossil's performance also got delayed.in place of 8:30,they probably started around 9:30.even chandrabindu waited yesterday due to some delay,but there was no commotion.today,the debate had to be stopped without the summaries as the crowd at the extreme circumference had taken to hooting and welcoming the band even before the debate ended.the organizer threatened to stop the show and everybody responded to it by maintaining decorum.after each speaker had spoken, fossils came on-stage.there was a round of applause,whistles and shouting. the singer came and mocked the audience by comparing the place to be a crematorium.there were atleast twice the number of inhabitants of this place.many of them responded to this retort by shouting even more.after assuring that he had no speech ready (as the speakers of the debate did), he started singing.2 songs were sung without any mayhem and i must say that they were well-sung and this person has an amazing voice and the instruments created a fantastic composition.but, in the middle of the 3rd song,gradually all the instrumentalists left the stage and rushed to the audience.only the singer,drummer and one guitarist remained.the guitarist rushed with his guitar, towards the audience, when a team-mate went and whispered something in his ears.the singer kept singing as he was unaware of the situation - that was because he kept banging his head in the air and playing the guitar, with his eyes closed.policemen rushed to the guitarist as he was probably having a fisticuff with the crowd.he was dragged out of the crowd by the police.he then rushed in front of the stage and waved his hands vigorously at the singer,to stop the song.but he went unnoticed(because of the head-bangs)!the drummer finally noticed his and stopped playing.but the singer went on and on.then he stopped.(he had probably opened his eyes for a while or may be he realised the absence of drum beats)!but he sat there non-chalantly as he couldn't understand why his song was stopped in the middle and why was his guitarist standing in front of the stage and waving at him!the police pushed the guitarist back-stage, seeing which, the occupants of the stage rushed there too.
...it was finally declared a misunderstanding. fossils didn't want anyone to shoot them live. use of video camera was banned. noone was aware of this fact and hence this chaos took place. any way,they ascended on stage and restored to entertaining the young chaps.

future fugitive!

i was sentenced to life imprisonment before i realised it. He sent me help,but she was discovered and taken care of very soon.dying to get out of this hell - i prayed everyday - not because i was in pain physically...i never was...but i was in pain otherwise. He sent me help a second time,but he left me half way away from the prison. the in-charge being a loner, loved keeping me by his side,as i was the only inmate of the prison.maybe He didn't hear me, or did He?i kept begging to get out of here,but i failed time and again. today i need not beg,i know i can help myself.i have a plan ready in order to flee. but He continues to test my patience as he increases the time of wait.i'm tired of handling things i cannot find a solution to;fighting water and seeing fake abundance of it.get me on the other side of these huge red gates of the prison.i want to live my life.i dont care if people run away as they recognise me...i dont fear walking my life alone.all i need is to breathe,coz im suffocating, suffocating in these tumultous waves of emotions.lead me to freedom...lead me to life.

the return of the olden days!

you are now where my childhood memories are.so many years have passed since i've been there. today you are among my memories, clicking instants to make me relive the moments...but will i find my memories among these instants??
we spent almost every alternate evening watching the sun set into the water at the beach.it was always you, who took the initiative to drive me/us to the beach.i dont remember how many castles i had built in the sand and how many times you saw me riding a horse.i just remember how we used to spend time there - how we walked along the sand when we had just each others' company, how we sat together and played with the sand and how you walked in the water till you were almost invisible to us.you fought all the waves while you fought all your emotions, to get to that point.everytime a wave charged you, she screamed out of fear, but you conquered them all as you conquered your feelings and let the salty water below your neck replace the water above.i felt it all and i still do.i wish i could do something so that you never needed that water.i'm sure that if you read this today,you'll be pleasantly surprised as its been over a decade now.even though you were never questioned, those small eyes saw all they could and thought it best not to convey them to you.
you keep collecting all snapshots of my lovely past as if they were yours.how happy you are to hear a familiar name - you can live more of my days when you hear one.why do you try and find them there?why do you try and find me there?what makes you happy when you visit such a place?
so many things are there,that we might want to share,but the distance and malfunctioning electronic gadgets make it a little impossible.
why do i lay stress on the memories of that place when i've spent a little, but quality time with you here also?how we climbed up the stairs to reach the terrace where i saw your heart.i guess that's the reason why i still love staying there.may be i dont recollect these days as intensely as those days because we hardly ever got to spend time together again...but perhaps beause of this i got two wonderful gifts.i'll cherish them... always.

- from rinky's diary