Recollecting the moments that come back to me time & again, I realize that there are moments which cannot desert me. No matter when they took place, they are still a part of me.
I remember the day I was to mug up the table of 7. I was under the strict vigilance of an ‘invigilator’, who had given me that tough job! Nobody other than me knows that I was doing something else in the name of mugging up the table. I was busy contriving a neat escape! I walked in & stood behind a chair. Smartly, I got hold of the piece of paper in my pocket & kept reading out the results as & when required. Obviously I had to strain myself to look down, each time I pretended to recollect the result. Soon I was called in front to find out the reason for my awkward behaviour. I neatly placed the paper on the chair (which had a table before it; this easily hid the treasure I had placed on it) & went in front. I was asked to return to my place, pick up the piece of paper & start mugging all afresh!
She not only made me mug up tables but also came running to pick me up from school on the half-days, took me to watch ‘akele hum akele tum’ on 14th of March & often took me for treats of phuchkas!
I always told her that I loved the way she chided me & the occasional ‘one-handed strokes’. Why remember all this suddenly? That’s because I was told a few months back,”mashi, tumi bhishon maro!” I could see that each time I tried a tt stroke on him, he ensured that the stroke was a successful one!
It was a day in this year when ‘he’ asked me, for how many days would I stay. In return, I asked whether he wanted me to leave. I was quite surprised by his untimely matured way of responding. He put his arm around my waist to assure me that that was the last thing he wanted. All he said was,”na…na, tumi joto din paro toto din thako.etai ami chai.”
I remember the day he cried on the 2nd of October after I was hit ‘a teen number of times’ on the back (a modified form of birthday bumps!). He had tried his best in the mean time to stop what was happening, & was partly successful!
There is one day which I can never forget – the day he asked his grandmother for some money. On being asked further questions, he said that he wanted to buy chocolates for me. Innocence and love at their best!
Was it just yesterday when ‘he’ said,”amar shonge khelo naaaaaaaa…” & then when it was time to sleep,”amay ekta golpo bolo na…….bhutu-r galpo!”
Then of course, one fine morning came that phone call ,”hi! I’m calling after 7 years! Do you remember me?” this made possible the re-establishment of a long-lost friendship!
One day when I was on the verge of tearing off all threads of the relations that had grown so strong in the recent past ‘she’ walked up to me & said,”Amri, have you gone mad? Do you want to go away from the relationships you cherish so much? I know how much you need them so stop saying all this.”
I remember that evening walk with her on the misty field in the dark. That was the day I revealed the biggest secret of my life!
Then came the day on which I met my best friend - the person who has always listened to all the rubbish that I’ve uttered, the person who supported me when he thought I was right & who pulled me aside to tell me that I was wrong, when he felt so. Whether right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad, he has been with me all these years.
I remember all those ‘lessons’,’lectures’,arguments & discussions that we have had. It was all to get me out of the ‘shell’ & to make me face the world. Those attempts were to bring a smile on a weary & drooping ‘earthquake victim’!
All the mad deeds are also a part of this - the titanic-pose on the pitch-roller, the proposal to walk on the slanted bar of the goal-post, the vodka-story & of course the fried momos!
Last but not the least, the continuous blabbering from 9:30am(oops sorry! 10:00. here comes miss ‘latecomer’!) to 5:30pm, with only half the things getting registered – well if she knew this then, I would have been surely been killed!
Whether all this will take place again or not, they are definitely a part of my memories! If they happen again…they are most welcome; but if they don’t, it’s perfectly alright with me because things are original when they take place for the first time!
Moreover, I believe in one thing – anybody who wishes to stay might stay & anybody who wishes to leave might leave; but this time, I won’t leave. I don’t want time to flee this time.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Day 5
It’s been a long time since my last post. Today I have something to say right from my heart.
So many days have passed….so many things have taken place………so many special days for so many people have passed by…… but every time I was a silent spectator of all that happened. As if I was off-stage…among the audience…I observed all the treachery, all the fake expressions, all the forced smiles, all the trials of appearing to be a well-wisher, all the superficial attachments and all the pretence that went on on-stage.
So many of them enjoyed (or pretended to enjoy) the days which were exclusively special to them. Every time the ‘on-stage’ melodrama went unnoticed (or was made to seem to go unnoticed).
The fifth day from today is a special day for me too. On that day, neither would I like to see people trying their best to pretend, nor would I like to pretend. I hope the day is just as I want to have it. Please don’t spoil my day!
So many days have passed….so many things have taken place………so many special days for so many people have passed by…… but every time I was a silent spectator of all that happened. As if I was off-stage…among the audience…I observed all the treachery, all the fake expressions, all the forced smiles, all the trials of appearing to be a well-wisher, all the superficial attachments and all the pretence that went on on-stage.
So many of them enjoyed (or pretended to enjoy) the days which were exclusively special to them. Every time the ‘on-stage’ melodrama went unnoticed (or was made to seem to go unnoticed).
The fifth day from today is a special day for me too. On that day, neither would I like to see people trying their best to pretend, nor would I like to pretend. I hope the day is just as I want to have it. Please don’t spoil my day!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
its too much!
i want a break...a break from everything. so many thoughts together, are choking me. it is again 'that' feeling...that same old feeling.....the feeling of suffocation, the feeling of being unable to do something, the feeling of insecurity, the feeling of restlessness.
its tough....really tough, when u have to stay calm when there is a storm going inside u.
weird, have i not become?
yes i have.....i guess that answers so many peoples' questions.
questions....questions n questions........all gagging me with their utmost strength.
"there has been a sea-change in you" - i know that too! but does that have to make me so vulnerable? do i have to look for support each time? have i lost the ability to handle things on my own?
there's so much on my mind.....n i'm so unable - unable once more - unable to express them.
i'm trying hard to clear everything....but things really dont get to ur head to get cleared,do they?
this time i'm blabbering.....actually blabbering, blabbering as my fingers run on the keyboard. i dont know what it is that i'm trying to type or what i'm trying to express.......i just know that things are happening....n i'm unaware of them all.
what people say does not register in my head, what i see i do not remember, who i speak to i dont know.........something is going on, but i dont know what.
i wish i could express myself through writing or through speech....but i'm 'incapable' of doing so.
'incapable' - thats the correct word i've come across so far.......it is so pestering.....'incapable', am i not?
i require some peace.....peace to keep me going.
i want to sleep.......sleep till i dont get myself back.......n that is perhaps forever!
i have typed so much.....but nothing that makes sense.
all i know at the moment is that i'm in need.....in need of that huge greenary, with nobody around...so that i can go n pour out everything there.
this time the need is different.......coz everything seems fake, so useless n meaningless.
i really need that greenary...i really do!
its tough....really tough, when u have to stay calm when there is a storm going inside u.
weird, have i not become?
yes i have.....i guess that answers so many peoples' questions.
questions....questions n questions........all gagging me with their utmost strength.
"there has been a sea-change in you" - i know that too! but does that have to make me so vulnerable? do i have to look for support each time? have i lost the ability to handle things on my own?
there's so much on my mind.....n i'm so unable - unable once more - unable to express them.
i'm trying hard to clear everything....but things really dont get to ur head to get cleared,do they?
this time i'm blabbering.....actually blabbering, blabbering as my fingers run on the keyboard. i dont know what it is that i'm trying to type or what i'm trying to express.......i just know that things are happening....n i'm unaware of them all.
what people say does not register in my head, what i see i do not remember, who i speak to i dont know.........something is going on, but i dont know what.
i wish i could express myself through writing or through speech....but i'm 'incapable' of doing so.
'incapable' - thats the correct word i've come across so far.......it is so pestering.....'incapable', am i not?
i require some peace.....peace to keep me going.
i want to sleep.......sleep till i dont get myself back.......n that is perhaps forever!
i have typed so much.....but nothing that makes sense.
all i know at the moment is that i'm in need.....in need of that huge greenary, with nobody around...so that i can go n pour out everything there.
this time the need is different.......coz everything seems fake, so useless n meaningless.
i really need that greenary...i really do!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Resigning…
That stormy night, when I lay awake in bed till more than half-past midnight, I pondered over the existence of my blog. What was the blog for, when I couldn’t express all I wanted to? So much has happened in the past few months, but my last post still dates to a time, long back. It always struck me what would people think if I put down all my annoyances? What if I hurt them?
But I think that now its time enough to think of myself. Now I just don’t care about ‘people’. I’ve seen enough. I’ve tolerated enough of hypocrisy & treachery in the name of friendship. I’ve been cheated enough in the name of just one relation, and I’m not ready to be cheated again. The blog’s mine, and I’ve every right to empty my feelings into it. At least I can put down my feelings without them being ridiculously dismissed!
I’ve learnt that certain things hold importance till they are between two people. But once they are not, they may prove to be dangerous, as they may become a worthless means of gossip – a gossip which may spread to all & sundry.
I’ve learnt not to care about ‘people’- ‘people’ who try to win others over, by instigating them against their so called ‘friends’. It used to bother me a lot earlier, but now it doesn’t; maybe because I’ve become used to it & because I know that it is only a way to express their insecurities.
I’ve learnt not to trust ‘friendship’ again because people who actually deserve to be called friends are capable of maintaining the relationship without the help of the ‘title’ or ‘tag’.
I’ve learnt quite a number of things, but I’m still learning to be superficial, and I’m learning it from my ‘friends’. So cheers to ‘friendship’….
But I think that now its time enough to think of myself. Now I just don’t care about ‘people’. I’ve seen enough. I’ve tolerated enough of hypocrisy & treachery in the name of friendship. I’ve been cheated enough in the name of just one relation, and I’m not ready to be cheated again. The blog’s mine, and I’ve every right to empty my feelings into it. At least I can put down my feelings without them being ridiculously dismissed!
I’ve learnt that certain things hold importance till they are between two people. But once they are not, they may prove to be dangerous, as they may become a worthless means of gossip – a gossip which may spread to all & sundry.
I’ve learnt not to care about ‘people’- ‘people’ who try to win others over, by instigating them against their so called ‘friends’. It used to bother me a lot earlier, but now it doesn’t; maybe because I’ve become used to it & because I know that it is only a way to express their insecurities.
I’ve learnt not to trust ‘friendship’ again because people who actually deserve to be called friends are capable of maintaining the relationship without the help of the ‘title’ or ‘tag’.
I’ve learnt quite a number of things, but I’m still learning to be superficial, and I’m learning it from my ‘friends’. So cheers to ‘friendship’….
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down, do they?
When a misty spot, surreptitiously turning into a mammoth demon, eclipses the sun, I board a flight from this world to mine.
There is my paradise, just 32 steps away. Each crystal embellishes me in the way nature would adorn its child. I’m again ecstatic. The meeting will be after a long, long time. The trees sway from side to side, and so does my sixth sense. Somebody knows that I’m waiting – waiting with patient expectation. Yes, somebody knows that I love relishing these moments of eager wait.
As usual I miss you on the 32 steps. There’s not a corner that I fail to check, & yet, like every time, I fail to perceive you. Furtively, you sidle your way towards me, keeping me totally unaware of your presence.
There’s again that warmth in the cool breeze, and I know that I’m with you. The moment I’ll turn, I’ll behold what will be a feast for my eyes. I live and re-live every second, every moment, every feeling, and every rush of the adrenaline.
The ink-draped silhouette is right in front of me. I could be reborn a thousand times, just for that sole moment. I sense those jewels looking at me. Like every time, there is a dip, to feel the surge of emotions.
It’s getting cooler and wetter. The colorless liquid from above is blessing us once again. It’s a conspiracy of nature.
Once more I’m in those strong, protective arms. The embrace says that no one can love me better. Each time that affectionate and passionate interlocking feels even more heavenly. I’m in the arms of my creator, or am I in the arms of my creation?
It is time to depart. Oh, how I wish the 32 steps had disappeared, but they are intact. I descend again, not knowing when will be the next time….
There is my paradise, just 32 steps away. Each crystal embellishes me in the way nature would adorn its child. I’m again ecstatic. The meeting will be after a long, long time. The trees sway from side to side, and so does my sixth sense. Somebody knows that I’m waiting – waiting with patient expectation. Yes, somebody knows that I love relishing these moments of eager wait.
As usual I miss you on the 32 steps. There’s not a corner that I fail to check, & yet, like every time, I fail to perceive you. Furtively, you sidle your way towards me, keeping me totally unaware of your presence.
There’s again that warmth in the cool breeze, and I know that I’m with you. The moment I’ll turn, I’ll behold what will be a feast for my eyes. I live and re-live every second, every moment, every feeling, and every rush of the adrenaline.
The ink-draped silhouette is right in front of me. I could be reborn a thousand times, just for that sole moment. I sense those jewels looking at me. Like every time, there is a dip, to feel the surge of emotions.
It’s getting cooler and wetter. The colorless liquid from above is blessing us once again. It’s a conspiracy of nature.
Once more I’m in those strong, protective arms. The embrace says that no one can love me better. Each time that affectionate and passionate interlocking feels even more heavenly. I’m in the arms of my creator, or am I in the arms of my creation?
It is time to depart. Oh, how I wish the 32 steps had disappeared, but they are intact. I descend again, not knowing when will be the next time….
Monday, January 21, 2008
Unknown Identity
Who am I? - Am I that person who has always pretended to be me? Am I the one whom I’ve always encouraged to come into being? Or am I that person who I pine and strive to become? - Which 'I' am I?
I’m good, but not ‘that’ good; I’m lively, but not ‘that’ vivacious and ‘that’ chirpy; I’m elegant, but not ‘that’ stately. - Why do I always fall short of a silly four-lettered word? Why does the pace of my thoughts always overrule my typing speed? Why do I feel that my soul is caged? Why can I not match myself in my dreams and in reality? Why can I not be the ‘someone’ I’ve always wanted to become? Why do I feel like I’ve lost everything everywhere, and will not be given a second chance? Why do I want to run away from what is inevitable. Why do I experience discomfort when my imaginations switch to reality? Why can’t things be overt & not ambiguous? Why are there so many ‘whys’ & why do I have an answer to none?
All these ‘whys’ are gagging me - I’m choking, I’m suffocating. All my screams are being culled by a pestering silence. I’m not dwindling with the waning moon, am I?
It’s winter and yet I’m singeing. I feel claustrophobic even in the middle of a huge field. I’m wide-awake and yet comatose. Perhaps there isn’t any chance, yet I’m not ready to give up!
It was me who said that I don’t want to fly high because nobody will fly with me; but today I say, ‘I want to fly - fly not only high, but highest’. I’ll be far from déjà vu. Will you be with me?
I want you back. After three complete years, I’ll again have you within me, and by my side. This is my belief. I still have enough faith to trust my belief.
We’ll be in tandem again and my identity will not remain unknown anymore…
I’m good, but not ‘that’ good; I’m lively, but not ‘that’ vivacious and ‘that’ chirpy; I’m elegant, but not ‘that’ stately. - Why do I always fall short of a silly four-lettered word? Why does the pace of my thoughts always overrule my typing speed? Why do I feel that my soul is caged? Why can I not match myself in my dreams and in reality? Why can I not be the ‘someone’ I’ve always wanted to become? Why do I feel like I’ve lost everything everywhere, and will not be given a second chance? Why do I want to run away from what is inevitable. Why do I experience discomfort when my imaginations switch to reality? Why can’t things be overt & not ambiguous? Why are there so many ‘whys’ & why do I have an answer to none?
All these ‘whys’ are gagging me - I’m choking, I’m suffocating. All my screams are being culled by a pestering silence. I’m not dwindling with the waning moon, am I?
It’s winter and yet I’m singeing. I feel claustrophobic even in the middle of a huge field. I’m wide-awake and yet comatose. Perhaps there isn’t any chance, yet I’m not ready to give up!
It was me who said that I don’t want to fly high because nobody will fly with me; but today I say, ‘I want to fly - fly not only high, but highest’. I’ll be far from déjà vu. Will you be with me?
I want you back. After three complete years, I’ll again have you within me, and by my side. This is my belief. I still have enough faith to trust my belief.
We’ll be in tandem again and my identity will not remain unknown anymore…
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)